The Don't-list
There are a number of big "don'ts" when it comes to making a speech. The rules are simple yet an astonishing number of people make one of the mistakes, or two. Or in some cases all.
Don’t go on endlessly about family jokes or things that have happened in the past that no-one but you and the recipient will enjoy hearing about. No matter how funny you think it is – think twice. Will anyone else laugh?
Don’t talk for too long. You’d have to be Groucho Marx to get away with a lengthy speech. Remember that more people like to have their say. Don’t let your love for your own voice get the better of you!
Don’t get drunk. We won’t say it again. It’s just a fact. Schlurrring yourrr wrrwordsh is not charming. It’s pathetic.
Don’t swear. I recently witnessed a speech from a best man where every single sentence included the word f*ck. Swearing does not make your speech wittier. It simply tells people that you’re badly behaved and have no class.
Don’t dive too deep below the belt. Very subtle innuendoes can be OK, but be very, very careful. You don’t want to seem vulgar.
Don’t just read the speech. Even if you decide to use a verse as a speech you can use pauses to let the words sink in and don’t forget you still need to seek eye contact with the audience.
Don’t speak too fast! You want people to remember you – don’t you? Not for being able to beat a radio football speaker in speed, but for the cleverness and wit of the speech.
Don’t speak too quietly! Speak up! Look at this as your 15 minutes of fame. Do you want to do well or do you want to be “the one who mumbled”?
Don’t joke about how nervous you are. Don’t start with “unaccustomed as I am”. Unless you do it as a joke as in the example below:
“Unaccustomed as I am I’ll try to keep it short
So coming here tonight a little script with me I brought
I’ll keep to that and hopefully you won’t be too distraught
I’ll make my point and then sod off, much like a stubborn wart.”
(This verse suits anyones bithday party and can be bought in it's entirety from our verse collection's Birthday section)